Unlikely Transitions

I always told my residents that if college doesn't challenge you and/or your beliefs then get your money back. Now, I should add if it does not cause you to grow, then most definitely get your money. My transition into undergraduate life was a journey. I don’t know what to name it other than one. I don’t remember having many emotions during that first year; I just went through the motions. I remember feeling overwhelmed. I remember being tired. I remember being by my lonesome. I, also, remember feeling fulfilled when interacting with others.

My undergraduate experience was full of emotional rollercoasters.

Happiness.

Sadness. Depression.

Excitement. Accomplishment. Fulfilled.

Emotionless. Just being there.

I sometimes reflect on those memories of my four years and wonder, “How did I get here?”. I just did. I followed my instinct. I grew and outgrew people. Sometimes, I feel like I outgrew myself.

Where is the old Khadesia?

She has evolved into the young woman I am now. A young woman who now is not afraid to say she was scared when we moved away from home for graduate school. I am no longer in the same state (currently in Florida), and since I, basically, don’t have any family here, I must deal with myself now.

I knew that transitioning academically into graduate school would not be as rough as the social and mental side of it. This transition has given me time to reflect. The great thing about reflection is that I am not scared of not knowing what’s next. I know my triggers. I know what I do and do not want, sometimes. For example, sometimes I know what I want to eat and other times I don’t (yes, I am sometimes the female stereotype).

However, no one prepared for me loneliness in the beginning. Being in graduate school did not mean I automatically became an adult and mature. Being back in school did not mean automatically making friends. There was still an effort to be made. I am grateful for those connections thus far because those around me see something great in me, and I see something great in them.

And I had to be ready to do true self-care. This transition just opened wounds to let me know I still needed to heal. To heal, you must push on in every aspect. You must be okay with your position it life. You must trust the universe and the higher power. You must listen and trust in yourself. Besides, if you don’t trust yourself, how else will you write a bomb paper in graduate school? How else will anyone trust you? How can you be a game changer but still be afraid to fight? How can you inspire others, and you can’t inspire yourself?

The many transitions I have made it through since summer 2015 have been everything for me because they have made me. From me doing things for the first time, to letting go of a dying love, to now letting go of a dream. And acknowledging that fear of letting go of a dream that I’ve had since I was 17 is something I am still dealing with. Now, I am learning and evolving. I am listening to what to do next. This is what you must do in your transitions. Enjoy your journey as I am learning to enjoy mine.

By Khadesia Howell

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