To have, to love, and to lose: The Journey.

To live, to love, to lose

To touch, to hold, to feel, to mend

To call, to cry, to mope, to whine

To pray, to sooth, to breathe, to rest

To have, to not

To win, to lose

To start again, to end

To see, to fall

To stop, to crawl

To walk, to run

I recently lost the most important person in my life, this past month, and it feels as if my life has been turned upside down.  It’s hard to see and navigate the world the same after losing a piece that was so instrumental in your everyday development.  But I have to.  Truth be told, we don’t talk about human dependency enough.  When I say we, I am in that number too. 

I didn’t realize until the death of my grandmother that I depended on her for a large part of my being.  She was my emotional and mental safe place.  If I forgot to pray one day, I knew she prayed for me.  If I hadn’t talked to a family member in months, that was ok because I got my updates from her. I didn’t have to check the weather because she was already on it.  Whenever the world felt too heavy on my shoulder, a simple phone call to her eased my fears.  She was my bestfriend, I even have her tattooed on my body.  The bond was real. Dependency doesn’t have to just be a romantic relationship; it can be any relationship.  Reality is, it’s not fair to her. I talk about this in my e-book 30 things about love.  One person should not be your everything.

But now she’s gone…

At least in the physical form.  My grandmother and I had this close weird relationship where many people felt I was her daughter. Seriously! Up until her death, my grandmother still bought my dresses, stockings, and pajamas.  I have many of her items in my house, pictures and recordings in my phone, and a countless number of memories. 

I feel exposed…

My safe place, permanent address, and emergency contact is gone.  It is now time for me to use those skills she taught me over time and pay it forward to the next generation. The reality is even though I am hurting, and the hurt will never be gone, each day gets better because she prepared me.  For those who are going through a time of loss, I am here with you as we continue this journey of life with our missing links. 

It is important for us to think about the lessons and wisdom learned from our loved ones.  Smile at the good times. Cry when your heart says so.  Get up and go when you’re ready.  

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Can they live??

The other day, I was reading a post talking about Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in children who experience continuous forms of trauma in their everyday life. The post looked at society’s view of trauma in comparison between children of color and their white counterparts.  

It made me think... 

Black kids aren’t allowed to have a mental illness.  Whenever something is done by a black child, they are criminalized and labeled despite other factors that may have contributed to their actions.  On the otherhand, the majority of serial killers in the country are white and have been labeled more often than not, as having a mental illness.  

Black kids arent allowed to have a mental illness.... 

When I say this, I’m not speaking for all black kids across the country, but those who are often forgotten in the system. I’m speaking for the kids who may live with a parent addicted to drugs, or the child who saw their cousin get shot over a card game... or maybe the children who wake up to the news of the death of one of their friends almost weekly.  

I’m talking about the forgotten children... 

The ones who are living with continuous PTSD, as a result of never having a positive outlet to release their feelings without being criminalized.