"Last week, I had a broken heart. This week, I can't remember his favorite color."
So, I was introduced to Sam Smith's "Too Good at Goodbyes" this past week. After the first time hearing it, it stayed on repeat the entire day and is played at least twice daily. I love this song because it speaks to the spirit of someone in a toxic relationship. The toxic relationships where you find yourself on and then off again. The type of toxic relationship where you find yourself becoming emotionless after each argument. The type of toxic relationship where you close off, because of fear of being hurt. Or maybe even the type that self-destructs because two people are unable to communicate and see the pain in each others eyes.
Have you ever been in one of these? I don't know about you, but I have. Unfortunately, I've been in more than one. Why is that? I might as well be honest about my mess... I am very hard headed, and have a hard time learning something the 1st and sometimes 2nd time around. My strength of wanting to see the beauty in everyone is also my weakness that becomes naive and gullible.... In the beginning. But, oh does the rabbit whole go deeper...
The reality is... My PRIDE. I love my control, and have to catch myself when it is revealed unconsciously. Right when I ever think I have control, life seems to pop me upside the face and say "you have the game all wrong... come here and let me show you something." In my efforts to keep control in intimate relationships I contributed to the problem of us though... It wasn't always them. Heck, when looking at the denominator in all the romantic equations... I WAS the problem. Not 100%, but I most definitely helped contribute.
Because of this, goodbye has become very easy for me. It is easy to leave, take a break, have a productivity boost, then contact someone from the past. But, I've finally learned; it's counterproductive. I can't expect to help build a foundation, and get mad if I drop a brick on my foot. It is a risk that may come with the process. The key, is learning when to go all in, when to play the hand slow, and when to fold.
And if it doesn't work out... I promise to NEVER allow a broken heart to take me out the game forever... I was talking with a colleague one day and she said the realest thing... "I don't have time to be hurt, I have kids who can't read." Let that marinate...